Care no more!

Few more minutes and I shall reach home, safe and dry. Rains in Mumbai were lovingly treacherous. Abounding downpours that turned roads and railway tracks into rivers. I checked my mobile again for Prashant’s reply. None. It had been two days now since he had last replied it the group. Our group of friends which had come together on a social media site and while the initial common uniting factor was literature, being humans, everyone had started sharing their personal life events with the group too. From strangers we had turned into a group of close friends. We looked out for each other, like friends do. We cared for each other, like friends do. We knew each other only virtually, but did what friends do.

And I reflected back to the journey I had made so far. The past year had been tragically eventful for me. Loss of two closed ones in a short time within had left me lost in grief. I couldn’t simply find my way out. I had lost my grand-aunt who was an old neighbour in my native village. She loved and cared for children and there were hardly any people my age who hadn’t been told stories by her or played in her house courtyard. But unfortunately, as much maternal love she had to give, she didn’t have any children of her own. Her old age was lonely and spent in solitude. The ones that she brought up as her own left her, left the village for brighter career opportunities ahead. It hurt me to see her like this and once in a month I would go down to the village to meet her. Her joy can’t be put down in words here. Last year, she passed away, leaving behind a grieving me. And then, destiny realised I hadn’t had it enough. Shortly, my mother too passed away. Mother? She was my teacher, my guide, my friend, my mentor. The only person in the world who could read my heart and my mind. My mother was my world. With her death, I felt as if I was stripped of my shelter in this world. Love you always mom, always.

It was during this time of grieving that I had met these friends. Having been through a phase in life where no cared how I was, a time when I was away from my mother and family ... I could always sense if things weren’t right with any of the friends. To ask someone “is everything ok?” often means a lot to the person, especially the people who can’t easily open themselves out to others. You have to gently knock their hearts with that question and they will open the door to their worries or problems. And this is why I was messaging Prashant. He had been absent from the group for two days now.

I reached home and made a nice hot cup of tea for myself when Prashant called.

“Hey. Where are you? Everything ok?”

“Sheetal, how many times have you messaged me?”

I recollected and said “I think around 10 times. But then you didn’t answer so I was worried.”

“Did it ever cross your mind that I didn’t reply because I didn’t want to reply?”

“Prashant!” My mouth went dry. “Prashant, if you had only once replied you are busy I wouldn’t have kept messaging you. I messaged you because I was concerned.”

“Yes, and it is exactly this concern that is stifling me. Suffocating me. I want space but no, I can’t have it because Sheetal madam simply won’t leave me alone!”

“Prashant, I had no idea ...” I didn’t know what else to say.

“Look, if you are concerned for me then leave me alone. Don’t ever call me or message me. I am not a small child.” Saying so, he disconnected the call.

I sat down. Numb. ‘Did it ever cross your mind that I didn’t reply because I didn’t want to reply?’, ‘and it is exactly this concern that is stifling me’, ‘if you are concerned for me then leave me alone’ ... Does care stifle? Does it suffocate? Asking someone their whereabouts or enquiring about their health ... Is it that bad? The past played itself in my mind ... Coming home, alone and hungry, no one to ask if I had eaten or how had my day been. Being ill and no one that asked if I was ok, never mind tending. Being caught in emotional crossroads and no one to ask for advice from. Yes it had made me stronger but I now valued care and concern a lot. The time I spent away from my family and mother had taught me a lot indeed. And now, mother was no more. Family had moved away to different cities. I had felt helpless. Till I came across these people and slowly learnt to stand up on my own emotionally. Or maybe not?

It had been three hours since Prashant’s call. I had lost my appetite. The tea had gone cold. Like me. The mobile beeped a message tone. Prashant had messaged. “I am sorry. I know you were only looking out for me. I was really stuck and I simply vented out my anger on you. I’ll be back by tomorrow. Good night.”

Sorry. Yes of course, an apology. I was a softball, forgave easily. A sitting target for people to release their displeasure on. I opened the app on my phone, blocked all the friends in the group ... Aashi, Rajkumari, Abhi, Vishal, Alka, Priya, Sanjay, Prashant ...

After all it made perfect sense, didn’t it? ‘If you are concerned for me then leave me alone’ ... So I left them all alone.