Are you now feeling better, my child?

I sat on the bench, waiting for him to come. I had reached earlier than our agreed time. Maybe because I had a mind full of questions that needed answers and unless I got them, my life was going around in circles. It had lost its sense of direction. And as far as I thought he was duty bound to answer me. We hadn’t talked to each other for 3 months now. Or rather it was me who was avoiding him. The mere mention of his name felt like pieces of broken promises ... scattered all over ... for me to walk barefoot on. Oh! How they stung! I refuse to believe that he was unaware of my agony. But I finally decided to let him clear things for once and all.

The air was quite chilly and I rubbed my hands ... And suddenly I felt warmth. I knew he was beside me. His luminous presence hardly went unnoticed. I stiffened. Refused to look at him. Then I felt his hand on my shoulder. Tears brimming up my eyes. A dam burst somewhere inside me. A dam full of murky hurt, fluid sorrow, drowning loss. Flowed out ... overwhelming me. I sought for tangible pieces of grief but all that I tasted was the salt of my own tears.

He sat down beside me. “Are you all right my child?”

“As if you care!”

He flinched at my words. “I do care for you. I listen to you always, even when you don’t address your words to me. I keep an eye on you always, whichever path you choose. That you don’t believe this is what we are here to resolve today.”

“Really? If you cared then you wouldn’t have taken my mother away from me so brutally. She was the one person who cared for me the most, who loved me the most, who selflessly wished the best for me. Now thanks to you I have no shoulder to cry upon, no hands to pat and console me, no lap in which I can rest my head. That night I had called out to you with all my heart and soul. I reprimanded those who said I was keeping false hopes. I cried inconsolably and not once did you to choose to stand by me. Those calls ... Those prayers ... All for nothing. Not only did I lose my mother that night, I also lost all faith in you.”

I sniffed and continued “There are people who are living their life with each foot in the threshold of either world. But you spare them. People who harm others and do not think twice before committing a heinous crime, say unkind words, see and yet ignore evil, are selfish and rotten to the core. Yet you spare them. People who are living but are unaware of life for it is nothing more than a punishment for them and their body is nothing more than a vegetable. But of course you spare them. So then why didn’t you spare my mother? She had known nothing else but to love her family, help those in need and had refrained from the common evils practised by many. Why? Why didn’t you answer me?”

And I sobbed ... For it was the only thing I did ever since my mother passed away.

His hand was still on my shoulder. “Don’t cry my child. Your mother is watching you and you are hurting her soul by grieving continuously. She loves you. Each one of you. I had to take her away. Believe me, it would have taken an enormous amount of strength for you to see her suffer physically. For each time that you prayed to me I gave her a minute more. But I myself cannot go against the very laws of nature that have been made by me.”

He ran his hand over my head. “I cannot reveal the future to you but you must believe me when I tell you that a chapter had to be ended in order for a new chapter to start. I had to change the course of the stream of all your lives – you and your siblings. And in order to achieve this I had to do what was necessary.”

“There is nothing wrong with our lives. Why mend what is not broken?”

“That is what you think. Just because you don’t see it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.”

“I just know that I miss my mom and my heart aches for her. I just want her back. And you were the only one from whom I had expected anything at all. You manifest yourself in female forms too. So I just find it hard to believe how you could never comprehend a woman’s loss in terms of motherhood” I almost whispered.

He now got up. His eyes and demeanour had turned slightly grave. Perhaps he was weary of explaining himself to me over and over again. “You will have to continue life without her and you will have to accept this loss. Your refusal, your stubbornness to do so is hurting all those who care for you. And you, my child, are surely not that selfish. One more thing – you keep saying ‘my mother’. She was your mother in this birth, in this form. She has taken other forms previously and will possibly be reborn many times over too. In every birth she may have been a son or a daughter, a brother or a sister, a friend, a loved one, a spouse, a father or a mother, a grandfather or grandmother, a nephew or niece ... But in every birth that she took and will take, one thing will remain constant – she will be my child, always and forever. Therefore do not grudge my taking her away ... For she is rightfully mine. Just as much as you are. Just as much as every being is.”

He looked at me with love and said “You have to forge ahead. Think of your mom and let the flame of her love brighten up your heart, especially when life feels like a dark stormy night. She is your guardian angel. Always protecting you and all of her children. Stop grieving and look carefully at what I have planted around you.”

I closed my eyes and opened them again ... to see a lovely sunshine ... to see birds chirping away while perched on tall trees ... to see flowers swaying around me ... the air carrying the scent of those flowers ... butterflies hovering around ... and He had gone. I smiled. After what seemed like eons ... I actually smiled from the heart. He had left a lightness in my heart, in my soul. And I managed to hold the hand of a passing shadow ... shadow of a person yet unknown to me ... knowing well that I was being watched over by Him and both my guardian angels – my dad and my mom.