Have you ever ...

Have you ever kept walking ...
Knowing that there is no destination ahead?

Have you ever prayed with all your heart ...
Knowing that your prayers are never going to be answered?

Have you ever kept swimming ...
Knowing that there is no shore ahead?

Have you ever asked questions aloud ...
Knowing that there are no answers?

Have you ever passionately wished for something ...
Knowing that it simply isn't in your destiny?

Have you ever waited for someone ...
Knowing well that the person is never ever going to turn up?

Have you ever lived ...
Without hope?

My Bar Of Chocolate

I never understood why. Why is it that I fell in love with you? Beautiful as it is, it is in stark contrast to the cruelty of destiny. For, as much as I wish to and as much as I want to, I can never ever have you. You remind me of an incident in my childhood. 

Once when I was a little girl, I was walking past a confectionery store and saw this lovely chocolate bar. I wanted to have it. Checked my pocket. Didn't have enough money. Thought of getting it from home and remembered I wasn't allowed chocolate because a visit to the dentist was due. I couldn't have the chocolate, but that didn't mean I didn't want the chocolate. I stared at it till my brother came looking for me and took me home. 

You are that bar of chocolate that I so badly want and know that I can never have. I watch you and adore you from afar, regardless ... Till someone comes and takes me away from you. Takes me home. 

Mind Games

A person likes you and looks for ways to come closer to you ... to become your friend. And once that person is your friend he/she becomes the best one ever ... shares secrets, is there for you in your hour of need, stands up for you and fights for you, lends their shoulder to you for you to cry on, helps you out emotionally or financially. You start trusting that person. But slowly you start losing all your other friends because this person won’t share you with anyone. You become emotionally attached and dependent on that person. And this is when the mind games begin.

Manipulating you by showing you the fault of your other friends, of emotionally blackmailing you and reminding you that “I have always stood by you and worked for your good. If you choose not to believe me or listen to me then we can call this friendship quits” ... You are now isolated. You are scared of losing the only close friend in your life and hence agree to whatever the person says. The person knows how vulnerable you are and plays upon your insecurities very well. Instead of helping you to be independent, the person ensures that he/she becomes your mental crutch. You forget how to think, react or resolve on your own and rely on this mental crutch for all your problems. 

You might wonder why would anyone do something so sinister. Well, human tendency is such that it loves to control things around it – nature, weather, machinery, etc. And what else could be the most powerful form of yielding control than over another person’s mind? It feeds their sense of power and once they know that they have full control over someone’s mind they move on to another person ... leaving the one behind a complete emotional wreck. They actually don’t care about you. They just enjoy the power of controlling your mind and influencing your decisions to their advantage, all under the garb of friendship. Garb of friendship because a true friend never imposes their opinions on you. A true friend will advise you and then respect your decision regardless.

A true friend will never play mind games on you.

Touché

He looked lovingly at his creation. A pair of eyes and ears, nose, lips, mouth, cheeks, forehead and chin on the face, neck, torso, a pair of hands and legs, hair ... He had paid attention to every minute detail. Prior to this, all His creations were His experiments. And he had made many. Some lived on land, some in the oceans and a chosen few on both. He had made the finishing touches to his latest creation when He remembered His own rule – “Every species shall mate with its own and never with another species”. So He made another version of his creation and now He had both – a male and a female of His latest creation. The human species.

The archangels all looked at the creation in awe and chorused, “Awesome!”

One of them gleefully said, “Just imagine, once this species starts breeding there will be so many of these awesome creatures everywhere on earth!”

God sighed. He shook his head and said “Perfection is boring. And if the offspring bears resemblance to its parents there shall be much unwanted confusion and chaos. Why, the species might even lose interest in breeding if it sees the same of the opposite kind everywhere, eventually leading to its extinction.”

The archangels chorused “How true!”

God sighed. He then started tweaking the template and though the base format remained the same, He started making alterations as to the colour of the skin, hair and eyes, the height. It took Him quite a few days but He eventually came up with varied editions of His latest creation. He lined them up proudly for the archangels to marvel.

The archangels chorused “Marvellous!”

God sighed. The physical attributes were all multifarious but what of the behavioural attributes? With His divine powers He instilled varying degrees of the seven virtues and vices in the various editions of his creation. So now, not only did they differ according to colour, height and physicality but also in kindness, cruelty, brevity, cowardice, prudence, greed, intelligence, foolishness, magnanimity, miserliness, honesty, deceitfulness, etc. He lined them up proudly.

The archangels chorused, “Magnificent!”

God finally heaved a sigh of relief. He instructed his archangels to descend on earth and position the different editions of his creations in different parts of the world. He would then induce life in them and they will then sustain and reproduce their own kind. Soon the earth will have a variety of his most proud creation – the human.

Many centuries later the humans formed a variety of Gods. Touché!

Why so?

Why can’t people just stay? Why do they have to leave? One by one, losing people from my life. If I put my finger on someone and wish for them to stay with me forever, destiny deliberately removes them from my life. Situations in life, marriage, career and worst of all death. An excuse is sought and they are made to leave. Standing on a firm ground with them and when they walk away the ground around turns into quicksand. A quicksand of depression. Can’t move ahead and remain stuck. Till a person comes, holds the hand and leads out of that place. But then, eventually that person too leaves. And you are left again in the same situation. I now no longer wish to hold anyone’s hand anymore as I know the one who holds mine today, will leave it tomorrow. 

Why does it happen that people go away from our lives? Why do they even come into our lives if they have to leave? Why is their company temporary? Why does every effort to make them stay drive them even further away? 

Why is my life just a temporary shelter and not someone’s home to stay forever?

Trees!

I loved trees.

That age ... when you see only roses and not the underlying thorns, when you see the sunshine and not the shadows that fall because of it, when everything seems beautiful and you believe that with effort and will you can achieve what you set your mind on. Yes, it was at that age that I saw the lush green tree. It was a tall strong tree with wide branches and under its shade sat a girl. She was busy writing something. The tree belonged to her. The fruits, the shade, the cool breeze that blew under it, the protection ... all belonged to her. She watered it with love and swept the place around the tree clean. She had even kept a bowl of water hanging on the branch of the tree so that birds could come and quench their thirst. She loved the tree and the tree loved her.

Wouldn’t it be really nice if I had a tree of my own too? Yes, I wished for a tree for myself. I saw one from far away. It looked good. Looked good. I walked towards it and claimed it to be mine. Initially the shade of the tree seemed very comforting. Seemed. I was prepared to adjust to any shortcomings that the tree might have had. But the tree sensed that. There was no cool breeze under it. It didn’t bear any fruits. What was worse was that the trunk was infested with ants. I couldn’t even rest under it or lean my back and sit. I started getting weary. And then that night of the heavy storm ... It thundered, it rained and I stood under the tree, shivering and wet. The tree couldn’t protect me. That night put a hundred questions in my head and slowly I started walking away from the tree. There was nothing that now attached or bound me to the tree. I yearned for shade, for protection, for care. The tree couldn’t give any. I walked  away ...

I now stood amidst a jungle. Full of trees. Full of variety of trees. I looked again for a tree that I could claim. I saw a big strong tree. Once bitten, twice shy. I checked the trunk for ants. There were none. I smiled and leant on it. The shade it offered from the harsh sunlight was tempting. I slept under it peacefully. And a snake slithered down from the branches. I woke up to see the snake staring at me. I don’t think it wanted to hurt me immediately but it frightened me all the same. I was wondering as to how to get rid of it when one by one many other snakes started coming down from the branches. I realised the tree belonged to them and not to me. I walked away ...

Deep into the jungle ... I kept walking till I came across a beautiful tree. I took a broken branch of a tree and hit the branches of the tree. Any snake that clung on might make itself visible and I would know whether to sit under the tree or not. None. I heaved a sigh of relief and sat under the tree, enjoying the canopy-like shade of it. Finally. Or not so. At night, I woke up with a stinging sensation all over my body. There were red ants all over my body. I looked for the place where they came from ... a hole under the tree. I quickly dusted off the ants from my body, sore with pain and itching all over. I walked away ...

And now I keep walking. I don’t like trees anymore. The trees stifle me, tease me, mock me and much worse, hurt me. It isn’t that all the trees are bad, maybe a good tree simply isn’t in my destiny. I am much too sore, too tired, too disheartened, too weary, too disillusioned, too exhausted. It takes an enormous lot out of me to trust the goodness of a tree and each time I do so I am left hurting. I don’t have it in me anymore to seek a good tree. I want to run away from this jungle ... out to the open land. To the desert. Or the sea. They don’t pretend to offer comfort. They are barren and desolate. But at least they don’t pretend. I don’t have any expectations from them and I know I will have to look out for myself. No false promises from the desert or the sea.

I hate trees. 

Care no more!

Few more minutes and I shall reach home, safe and dry. Rains in Mumbai were lovingly treacherous. Abounding downpours that turned roads and railway tracks into rivers. I checked my mobile again for Prashant’s reply. None. It had been two days now since he had last replied it the group. Our group of friends which had come together on a social media site and while the initial common uniting factor was literature, being humans, everyone had started sharing their personal life events with the group too. From strangers we had turned into a group of close friends. We looked out for each other, like friends do. We cared for each other, like friends do. We knew each other only virtually, but did what friends do.

And I reflected back to the journey I had made so far. The past year had been tragically eventful for me. Loss of two closed ones in a short time within had left me lost in grief. I couldn’t simply find my way out. I had lost my grand-aunt who was an old neighbour in my native village. She loved and cared for children and there were hardly any people my age who hadn’t been told stories by her or played in her house courtyard. But unfortunately, as much maternal love she had to give, she didn’t have any children of her own. Her old age was lonely and spent in solitude. The ones that she brought up as her own left her, left the village for brighter career opportunities ahead. It hurt me to see her like this and once in a month I would go down to the village to meet her. Her joy can’t be put down in words here. Last year, she passed away, leaving behind a grieving me. And then, destiny realised I hadn’t had it enough. Shortly, my mother too passed away. Mother? She was my teacher, my guide, my friend, my mentor. The only person in the world who could read my heart and my mind. My mother was my world. With her death, I felt as if I was stripped of my shelter in this world. Love you always mom, always.

It was during this time of grieving that I had met these friends. Having been through a phase in life where no cared how I was, a time when I was away from my mother and family ... I could always sense if things weren’t right with any of the friends. To ask someone “is everything ok?” often means a lot to the person, especially the people who can’t easily open themselves out to others. You have to gently knock their hearts with that question and they will open the door to their worries or problems. And this is why I was messaging Prashant. He had been absent from the group for two days now.

I reached home and made a nice hot cup of tea for myself when Prashant called.

“Hey. Where are you? Everything ok?”

“Sheetal, how many times have you messaged me?”

I recollected and said “I think around 10 times. But then you didn’t answer so I was worried.”

“Did it ever cross your mind that I didn’t reply because I didn’t want to reply?”

“Prashant!” My mouth went dry. “Prashant, if you had only once replied you are busy I wouldn’t have kept messaging you. I messaged you because I was concerned.”

“Yes, and it is exactly this concern that is stifling me. Suffocating me. I want space but no, I can’t have it because Sheetal madam simply won’t leave me alone!”

“Prashant, I had no idea ...” I didn’t know what else to say.

“Look, if you are concerned for me then leave me alone. Don’t ever call me or message me. I am not a small child.” Saying so, he disconnected the call.

I sat down. Numb. ‘Did it ever cross your mind that I didn’t reply because I didn’t want to reply?’, ‘and it is exactly this concern that is stifling me’, ‘if you are concerned for me then leave me alone’ ... Does care stifle? Does it suffocate? Asking someone their whereabouts or enquiring about their health ... Is it that bad? The past played itself in my mind ... Coming home, alone and hungry, no one to ask if I had eaten or how had my day been. Being ill and no one that asked if I was ok, never mind tending. Being caught in emotional crossroads and no one to ask for advice from. Yes it had made me stronger but I now valued care and concern a lot. The time I spent away from my family and mother had taught me a lot indeed. And now, mother was no more. Family had moved away to different cities. I had felt helpless. Till I came across these people and slowly learnt to stand up on my own emotionally. Or maybe not?

It had been three hours since Prashant’s call. I had lost my appetite. The tea had gone cold. Like me. The mobile beeped a message tone. Prashant had messaged. “I am sorry. I know you were only looking out for me. I was really stuck and I simply vented out my anger on you. I’ll be back by tomorrow. Good night.”

Sorry. Yes of course, an apology. I was a softball, forgave easily. A sitting target for people to release their displeasure on. I opened the app on my phone, blocked all the friends in the group ... Aashi, Rajkumari, Abhi, Vishal, Alka, Priya, Sanjay, Prashant ...

After all it made perfect sense, didn’t it? ‘If you are concerned for me then leave me alone’ ... So I left them all alone.