I sat on the bench, waiting for him to come. I had reached
earlier than our agreed time. Maybe because I had a mind full of questions that
needed answers and unless I got them, my life was going around in circles. It
had lost its sense of direction. And as far as I thought he was duty bound to answer me. We hadn’t
talked to each other for 3 months now. Or rather it was me who was avoiding
him. The mere mention of his name felt like pieces of broken promises ...
scattered all over ... for me to walk barefoot on. Oh! How they stung! I refuse to
believe that he was unaware of my agony. But I finally decided to let him clear
things for once and all.
The air was quite chilly and I rubbed my hands ... And
suddenly I felt warmth. I knew he was beside me. His luminous presence hardly went unnoticed. I stiffened. Refused to look at him. Then I felt his hand
on my shoulder. Tears brimming up my eyes. A dam burst somewhere inside me. A
dam full of murky hurt, fluid sorrow, drowning loss. Flowed out ...
overwhelming me. I sought for tangible pieces of grief but all that I tasted
was the salt of my own tears.
He sat down beside me. “Are you all right my child?”
“As if you care!”
He flinched at my words. “I do care for you. I listen to you
always, even when you don’t address your words to me. I keep an eye on you
always, whichever path you choose. That you don’t believe this is what we are
here to resolve today.”
“Really? If you cared then you wouldn’t have taken my mother
away from me so brutally. She was the one person who cared for me the most, who
loved me the most, who selflessly wished the best for me. Now thanks to you I
have no shoulder to cry upon, no hands to pat and console me, no lap in which I
can rest my head. That night I had called out to you with all my heart and soul. I reprimanded those
who said I was keeping false hopes. I cried inconsolably and not once did you to choose to stand by me. Those calls ... Those prayers ... All for
nothing. Not only did I lose my mother that night, I also lost all faith in
you.”
I sniffed and continued “There are people who are living
their life with each foot in the threshold of either world. But you spare them.
People who harm others and do not think twice before committing a heinous
crime, say unkind words, see and yet ignore evil, are selfish and rotten to the
core. Yet you spare them. People who are living but are unaware of life for it
is nothing more than a punishment for them and their body is nothing more than
a vegetable. But of course you spare them. So then why didn’t you spare my
mother? She had known nothing else but to love her family, help those in need
and had refrained from the common evils practised by many. Why? Why didn’t you
answer me?”
And I sobbed ... For it was the only thing I did ever since
my mother passed away.
His hand was still on my shoulder. “Don’t cry my child. Your
mother is watching you and you are hurting her soul by grieving continuously. She
loves you. Each one of you. I had to take her away. Believe me, it would have
taken an enormous amount of strength for you to see her suffer physically. For
each time that you prayed to me I gave her a minute more. But I myself cannot
go against the very laws of nature that have been made by me.”
He ran his hand over my head. “I cannot reveal the future to
you but you must believe me when I tell you that a chapter had to be ended in
order for a new chapter to start. I had to change the course of the stream of
all your lives – you and your siblings. And in order to achieve this I had to
do what was necessary.”
“There is nothing wrong with our lives. Why mend what is not
broken?”
“That is what you think. Just because you don’t see it doesn’t
mean it doesn’t exist.”
“I just know that I miss my mom and my heart aches for her.
I just want her back. And you were the only one from whom I had expected
anything at all. You manifest yourself in female forms too. So I just find it
hard to believe how you could never comprehend a woman’s loss in terms of
motherhood” I almost whispered.
He now got up. His eyes and demeanour had turned slightly grave. Perhaps he was weary of explaining himself to me over and over again.
“You will have to continue life without her and you will have to accept this
loss. Your refusal, your stubbornness to do so is hurting all those who care
for you. And you, my child, are surely not that selfish. One more thing – you keep
saying ‘my mother’. She was your mother in this birth, in this form. She has
taken other forms previously and will possibly be reborn many times over too.
In every birth she may have been a son or a daughter, a brother or a sister, a
friend, a loved one, a spouse, a father or a mother, a grandfather or
grandmother, a nephew or niece ... But in every birth that she took and will
take, one thing will remain constant – she will be my child, always and forever.
Therefore do not grudge my taking her away ... For she is rightfully mine. Just
as much as you are. Just as much as every being is.”
He looked at me with love and said “You have to forge ahead.
Think of your mom and let the flame of her love brighten up your heart,
especially when life feels like a dark stormy night. She is your guardian
angel. Always protecting you and all of her children. Stop grieving and look
carefully at what I have planted around you.”
I closed my eyes and opened them again ... to see a lovely
sunshine ... to see birds chirping away while perched on tall trees ... to see
flowers swaying around me ... the air carrying the scent of those flowers
... butterflies hovering around ... and He had gone. I smiled. After what seemed like eons ... I actually
smiled from the heart. He had left a lightness in my heart, in my soul. And I
managed to hold the hand of a passing shadow ... shadow of a person yet unknown to me ... knowing well that I was being
watched over by Him and both my guardian angels – my dad and my mom.
